


I will be, eventually.

by Sabaisme



Category: South Park
Genre: Depression, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Not explit, Only mentions of Creek, sexual talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-01
Updated: 2018-01-01
Packaged: 2019-02-26 11:55:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13235217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sabaisme/pseuds/Sabaisme
Summary: Stan is depressed, like we all knew. He abused alcohol and has no clear direction in life.He's also confused, about many things. One things is Kyle, his best friend who's always ready to help him.Who knows, is life that bad?





	I will be, eventually.

Stan hadn’t been sleeping that well lately. His alarm clock said it was 5 in the morning, but that didn’t seem real. He hadn’t even tried to sleep, even though he was so tired. He’d been listening to soft music with a bottle of liquor.   
He had opened his curtains a while ago, letting in a but of cold that made him shiver. Just 3 more hours before he had to go back to school. It didn’t feel real anymore.   
He stayed that way for another hour before finally passing out. 

It was Kyle who found him first. The worst was, that it hadn’t been the first time Kyle found Stan this way. Unconscious, with a strong smell of liquor and clearly no schedule in life. The first time, Kyle panicked and tried to wake him up in various ways. The second and third time was still as shocking as the first one, but now he had lost count and only felt sadness. His childhood best friend was lost. He himself was a bit lost. 

Their childhood seemed like many years ago, but they were only 15 years old now. A lot of things can happen in just a few years.   
Kyle sat down on Stan’s bed, next to his body and waited for a few minutes before throwing a glass of water on his face.   
-

The first big thing to happen to Stan was when his girlfriend became his boyfriend. Wendy came out as genderfluid. The thing is, everyone, even Wendy, thought Stan would just break-up with them, but he didn’t. He couldn’t care less about Wendy’s gender.   
They broke up with him when he was 13 years old. Wendy was the first one to see Stan lose, They couldn’t help him and couldn’t be with him. Wendy only did it to give Stan enough space to grow, but that’s not exactly what happened. 

His Father wasn’t much help for him, either. Stan had very loving parents, but his dad wasn’t the kind of father Stan needed. He was either working or being an idiot. 

Stan quit football as soon as he hit 8th grade. Most of his social contact was lost. He just didn’t want to play anymore. He could barely keep his grades up anyway. 

But he completely lost himself when he started to drink.   
-

Kyle stood up, grabbed the glass of water next to Stan’s bed and threw it over his face. He expected Stan to be startled, but he took a bit of extra time to wake up.   
They just looked at each other in a sad way.   
Stan used to cry a lot, especially when Kyle came over since Kyle wanted to listen en know. He never cries anymore. 

‘’Want to talk?’’ Kyle asked, trying his best to not get any emotions in his way. Stan shook his head as he tried to sit up. 

‘’Give me a few minutes and I’ll come,’’ Stan said with groggy voice. Kyle nodded once and sat down again. No matter what Stan is, he’s still his best friend. Kyle did everything to not lose him. To the point he made several attempts of getting Stan to talk to therapists or anyone really. Stan doesn’t want to talk.   
Without any hope, Kyle made another appointment. He wasn’t going to take Stan to school.

Stan brushed his teeth, splashed water in his face, put on some clothes that were on the floor and a blue beanie. Without another word, they went to Kyle’s car. He also stopped eating breakfast. Another thing on the list of concerns. 

They drove around a bit before Kyle started to talk. ‘’We’re going to see a therapist, and this time I won’t let you just walk away from it,’’ Kyle said, sounding firm. 

Kyle expected something, anything, but Stan nodded. ‘’Okay, Kyle.’’   
-

‘’So, can you tell me a bit of what’s going on?’’ The therapist, an older lady that clearly knew what she was doing, asked kindly. Stan, of course, shrugged. 

‘’You’ll have to talk a bit, dear. It can’t get worse by talking,’’ She said, ‘’You’re allowed to be sad, everyone is once in awhile.’’

‘’I think i’m more that just a bit sad, ma’am,’’ Stan said, still sobering up. ‘’I’ve been fucked since I was 10 years old, that’s it.’’ 

The woman nodded and scribbled some on her paper. ‘’Can you describe it a bit more?’’ 

Stan sighed but did it anyway. ‘’I started to dislike what I like when I was 10, after that I started to dislike myself and honestly I tried to not but here I am and there’s nothing to do anymore,’’ Stan was starting to heat up a bit, ‘’I know that everything I do is only making things worse but maybe it’s just best that way. Sometimes I wish I was never born.’’ The woman said nothing, just nodded and scribbled away. 

‘’I see,’’ she said, ‘’You’re allowed to think that, we all do once in awhile.’’ She was nice but still quiet. She didn’t want to say much more. They spoke for around 30 minutes before Stan thought he was choking and needed to go outside. He did come back after, but they only made a next appointment. 

Kyle had been sitting in the waiting room, waiting patiently. He drove Stan back home, they didn’t speak. Kyle was happy, though, because Stan finally talked to someone who can actually help him.   
-

Stan went to school the next day, exhausted but sober. He almost went to every class before the lunch break. His last one he had to skip, because he felt like he was choking again. He had to go outside and once outside he started to throw up, even though he barely ate anything. He hadn’t noticed that he wasn’t alone. 

‘’God, Marsh, you’re a mess,’’ Craig Tucker said. Stan didn’t reply, he felt more barf coming up. Craig silently went on with smoking his cigarette. After a while though, he went a step closer to Stan. He had quit throwing up but looked like he was going to pass out. 

Craig grabbed him by his shoulder and pulled him away before he would fall in his own barf. ‘’What the fuck is the matter with you?’’ Craig asked, nearly sounding angry with his monotone voice. 

‘’I’m sick,’’ Stan said, coming a bit back to life. 

‘’No shit, but you’re always sick.’’ It wasn’t meant harsh, it just sounded like that. Stan shrugged and sat down on the bench Craig was just sitting on. Craig sat down again and went back to his cigarette, he offered Stan one by giving his pack but Stan declined. 

‘’Why aren’t you in class?’’ Stan asked, after some time had gone through. Craig just lit up a second cigarette. 

‘’I don’t feel like it,’’ Craig said, blowing out some smoke. ‘’What’s your story? You have skipped more classes than me anyway.’’ 

‘’I’m sick,’’ Stan said, again. Craig didn’t look very impressed. ‘’I guess in the head.’’ That got Craig’s attention. 

‘’Anything serious?’’ He asked, pretending not to care. Stan shrugged and looked down again. 

‘’Suppose so,’’ Stan said. His breath was visible in the cold air. Craig made a noise, as if he had to think about it. 

‘’What are we lookin’ at? Something clinical or?’’ Craig asked, both boys not looking at each other. 

Stan didn’t answer. Instead he started to confuse himself. ‘’Since when do you care?’’ He asked. 

‘’I don’t,’’ Craig replied. 

‘’Good,’’ Stan said, ‘’I don’t like you either.’’

Craig laughed. ‘’Never said I didn’t like you,’’ Craig answered. This got Stan’s attention back again. 

‘’You don’t like me, you hate me,’’ Stan said, saying the word hate a bit to intense. 

‘’If you want me to, sure whatever,’’ Craig said, taking his third cigarette. This time when he offered, Stan grabbed one. They smoked in silence, as Stan tried his best to not cough.   
Stan looked at Craig for the first time, properly. He looked like shit. Craig Tucker, one of the most handsome guys at school. Stan got why people thought he was attractive. He got structure in his face, was tall with broad shoulders. Right now, though, he had a morning coupe with heavy bags under his eyes. 

‘’Seen the morning sun?’’ Stan asked, a bit delusional for the lack of sleep. Craig, who just started daydreaming was a bit startled by the question. 

 

‘’Maybe, why?’’ He asked, looking at Stan. 

‘’You look like shit,’’ Stan said, slowly. 

‘’Gee, thanks,’’ Craig said, without any emotions. ‘’You don’t look swell yourself.’’ He didn’t really say it as revenge or anything, he just wanted this conversation the keep going. 

‘’I’m tired,’’ Stan confessed. Of all people, he felt like he could talk to Craig. Craig didn’t give a shit, not even to tell others. Craig never cared about anything in his life. 

‘’Lack of sleep or just life in general?’’ Craig asked, taking a last puff of his cigarette. If anyone else asked, you’d be startled. But good ol’ Craig didn’t care. 

‘’I don’t know, maybe,’’ Stan said, ‘’I don’t think I know.’’ Craig nodded and they were quiet again. Stan finished his cigarette but didn’t feel like going back inside just yet. 

Weirdly, Craig was the one breaking their silence. ‘’Life’s shit, but some of it is worth it,’’ He said it as a statement. Never before did Stan think anything of Craig really. Now a million thoughts went through his head. ‘’Kyle’s probably worth it for you.’’ Again, he just made a statement. 

‘’Suppose,’’ Stan agreed, ‘’ he really is my best friend.’’ To which Craig laughed softly. 

‘’Just friends, right.’’ It took Stan a minute before he realised what Craig meant with that. Stan took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He didn’t feel like answering that. His relationship with Kyle was something but he didn’t know what. Stan sometimes thinks about them, together. But he surely can’t be in love, it doesn’t feel like it did when he was still with Wendy. Wendy was everything he liked, especially when they started being themself as genderfluid. Stan loved that, how they could just be. But Kyle, he felt more like coming home. He loved Kyle, but to what extend. Kyle probably was starting to get annoyed with him, so it doesn’t really matter. 

‘’How’s your golden sexlife?’’ Stan asked, out of nothing. He had heard some rumors and now was the time to find the truth, even though it didn’t matter. Craig was clearly thrown of his high horses.

‘’If this is your way of asking me if i’m gay, yes,’’ Craig said, stretching himself out a bit, ‘’Wish people would just stop asking though. It’s really not that fucking special.’’ 

‘’Oh,’’ was all Stan could say. ‘’Well, you had me fooled. Thought the rumors about you sleeping with a hot, blonde babe were true.’’

Craig snorted. ‘’Oh, they are certainly true.’’ It took Stan a while before his got it, again. Of course a blonde babe could have been a male blond babe. How stupid of him. ‘’You wanna sleep with me, too, Marsh?’’ Craig asked, finally showing some sort of emotion on his face, what a fucking tease. 

‘’Funny, but no,’’ was all that Stan replied. ‘’Besides, it would be the worst sex in my life.’’

Craig rolled his eyes. ‘’True,’’ Craig agreed, ‘’Couldn’t anyway, I just can’t keep away from my blond babe.’’ It sounded sweet if not so monotone. 

‘’Who though?’’ Stan asked. They almost wasted an hour and were both starting to freeze their ass off. 

‘’Who do you think?’’ Craig asked sarcastically. As he got no reply from Stan, he answered so himself. ‘’It’s Tweek, dumbass.’’ To which Stan only replied with a long ‘’Oh.’’

Again there was a silence, with a comfortable tension. The school bell rang and they went inside, not more words spoken. It wasn’t until Stan was standing in front of his locker that he noticed he was sober. He got a moment to think and got a bit angry with Craig. That fucked made him question his sexually in 0.2 seconds and started teasing him. Stan was completely fine with having no fucking idea how sexuality and gender mattered to him. Still, he couldn’t deny there was always something between him and Craig. Tension, but was it sexual? He couldn’t even think of the idea of Craig as a lover. 

That wasn’t even the worst thing. He could imagine Kyle as a lover and so much more than that.   
-

‘’How are you, Stan?’’ His therapist asked. It had been some time since Stan was asked that without the person who asked sounded worried. She was more relaxed, open and welcoming. She encouraged him. 

‘’To be honest, not good,’’ he said. Stan was truly not feeling good but it almost sounded like something wrong to say. As if you’re not allowed to tell people the true colors of your life. You just tell them you’re fine and that’s that. But he felt like he could tell, so he does. 

‘’Anything that directly causes your mood?’’ She asked, holding her writing paper ready.

‘’I don’t think so. I’ve been feeling bad for a while now. I can’t remember why, only feel,’’ Stan answered. ‘’Maybe it’s because my mom always works, or because my dad is a bad influence on me, maybe because I miss my grandpa or because I abuse alcohol.’’ He said it to create a shock effect. It was true, but he wanted someone to feel with him. She didn’t, though. She hummed and wrote everything down. Then she started to stare without saying anything. 

Stan stared back and through his mind went a million more answers to why he might be feeling bad but he didn’t remember which one were real and which were not. ‘’Maybe i’m just fucked up in the head.’’ This, though, got her attention. 

She put her pen down. ‘’Nobody is truly ‘fucked up’ in the head. We make responses to certain situations. Some good and some bad. Sometimes it’s really bad, which makes you depressed. We can either talk or help with the right medication.’’ She explained. This is the first time someone suggested that Stan was depressed. They were all thinking it, Stan knew, but they were too scared to say. 

‘’Can’t I get some pills and live a happy life?’’ He asked, knowing the answer already. 

She, instead, laughed. ‘’If only I could. But sadly, no. I’m afraid the pills won’t get rid of the depression, they just give you something back, which makes you able to fight against the bad and feel the good come in again.’’ Stan wasn’t really happy hearing that, but he gave her an ‘’Oh,’’ in response. 

‘’Before doing any of that, we’re going to talk and try to find the cause of everything,’’ She said, ‘’So let’s start talking, how did it all really happen according to you?’’  
-

Stan was tired, but not of the usual. He was tired because he had told his life story in just two hours of time. He started talking about the things he had forgotten, the things that hurt him and made him happy. It made him cry a little and later a lot. 

He knew one thing for sure after his last section. No matter what he might feel for Kyle, he’s not worth even being his friend. He was such a loser and pathetic. 

Still, Kyle was already on his way after he heard something about a rough session. He didn’t say he would swing by later or talk tomorrow, he was already on his way. No moment of doubt. What a friend. Stan could never repay him. 

His thoughts were broken through when the doorbell rang. Kyle must’ve driven harder than what was allowed. Stan opened the door and Kyle grabbed him in a hug. No moment of doubt, what a friend. 

‘’How are you?’’ Kyle asked, still embracing Stan. Stan wanted nothing but to push him away, he was about to cry again. No trying in hiding it anyway, he had red puffy eyes and a hoarse voice. 

‘’The usual, maybe better,’’ Stan answered. He should’ve said that he was just fine, but Kyle would never believe him. 

‘’Maybe is not an answer,’’ Kyle said, nearly ordering a truthful answer of Stan. Stan, in response, shrugged. Kyle let him go out of his arms. 

Kyle looked clean. He wasn’t wearing his usual hat anymore. Instead, he had a nice haircut. Short on the sides, a bit longer on top. God, did Stan miss his long curly hair. Stan couldn’t look in Kyle’s green eyes, it almost felt wrong after all the thinking he has done. 

‘’Is anyone home?’’ Kyle suddenly asked. Stan shook his head. His parents were working and his sister was in college. Kyle frowned. ‘’I can’t remember the last time I saw your parents and i’m almost here every day.’’ Stan shrugged, it was true but it didn’t have to mean anything to Kyle. 

‘’Did you know Craig and Tweek were a thing?’’ Stan asked, trying to change the subject. 

‘’Oh,’’ Kyle replied, ‘’No I didn’t. Good for them.’’ 

‘’Yeah?’’ Stan wanted to reassured. 

‘’Yes, why?’’ Kyle asked, suspicious. 

‘’Nevermind, you never know if someone is like, not okay with that sort of thing,’’ Stan tried to shrug it off, but Kyle wouldn’t let him. 

‘’Well, i’m very fine with it. Almost happy if Craig was a normal human being,’’ Kyle said, ‘’Do you have a problem with people being gay? I mean, you’re ex wasn’t really in a very straight relationship with you.’’

‘’No, no, i’m totally okay with it,’’ Stan said, quickly in defense. ‘’Craig is actually pretty okay and I never said I was against it in the first place.’’ 

Kyle made a noise. It wasn’t a good nor bad noise. He sat down on the couch and didn’t really say anything anymore. 

‘’Besides,’’ Stan started again, since it was already bad enough, ‘’me and Wendy never were very straight indeed. Especially not when they wanted to be called Wendell.’’ He got Kyle attention back. 

‘’Because you loved them that much when they were just Wendy or because you’re just not that straight?’’ Kyle asked. It was out in the open now. Now Stan was forced to think. 

‘’I suppose not,’’ was what he said as he sat down next to Kyle. There was no real tension between them, and if, it was all on Kyle’s side. Stan wasn’t really Stan anyway. He was way too tired for that. After another moment of silence, he fell into a comfortable sleep.   
-  
He woke up three times before fully waking up. Kyle was still there, doing whatever. He went upstairs once, into the kitchen and played some video games. He did immediately noticed when Stan moved. 

‘’Slept well, I hope,’’ Kyle said, pausing the game he was playing. He didn’t look at Stan, and it almost seemed as if he was nervous for something. 

‘’I guess,’’ Stan answered. He tried to sit a bit up, leaning on his elbows. His mouth was dry but he didn’t feel the need to get up for something to drink.

‘’Sounds convincing,’’ Kyle said, nearly sounding annoyed. Stan gave him a confused look and went to lay down again. Kyle followed his action and started to hang back, lazily on the couch. They were quiet again. ‘’Stan?’’ Kyle said, trying to wake Stan from his daydream state. 

‘’Yeah?’’ Answered Stan, with a soft voice. 

‘’Are you ever gonna talk to me about this whole thing? About us and this whole thing?’’ Kyle sounded sad. Stan couldn’t help but feel horrible for making Kyle sad. 

‘’Whole thing,’’ Stan repeated, ‘’This whole thing is just bad dream, without the dream. If you want me to tell the truth, we can’t ever go back.’’ Stan’s words were followed by a few seconds of silence. And then Kyle nodded and encouraged Stan to talk. ‘’Kyle, i’m just not feeling okay. Never, to be honest. Everything is shit and it has been for a long time. Nothing in life seems to be worth all this suffering. I mean, I have you but what if you weren’t here? I might not have made it ‘till here.’’ Stan started to rant, again, ‘’I’m confused if i’m sexual different of not sexual at all, if I can love, if I even want to live anymore.’’ 

Kyle had to take it all in for a few seconds before answering. ‘’Is that why you drink?’’ He asked. 

‘’Yeah.’’ Stan said, in all honesty. 

They were still again. They were quiet most of the time now anyways. What’s there to speak about. They were always quiet. 

-

This went on for another three weeks. Stan would barely go to school. Met up with his psych two times a week and Kyle would always visit him when he could. Almost every day. Stan was given his first medications. 

In the beginning, it was bad. He felt sick and uncomfortable. There was barely anything he could do to get away from the sickness. And the worst part was, he wasn’t allowed to drink with his medication. At least for a few weeks.   
Stupid, sweet, loyal Kyle was there to hold his hand. Stan got sick of it. He wanted Kyle to be around him all the time but he also wanted Kyle to spend his time to find someone else. Someone way better, with no problems. Someone that could make him happy. 

It was going to be another sleepless night, but Kyle was staying over, so he couldn’t do much. Kyle was still awake, even though it was late. Stan tried to lay as still as possible so Kyle maybe thought he was really asleep and could do so himself. 

After a few minutes, it almost worked. But then Kyle moved to his side to watch Stan. He didn’t say anything, but his eyes were wide open. Stan started to swallow. 

‘’You know I care, right? About you.’’ Kyle whispered. This alone made Stan a thousand times more sad than before. Stan nodded and Kyle looked a bit relieved. 

‘’Why?’’ Stan asked, ‘’Would you though?’’ 

‘’It comes naturally to me, I guess. I don’t think I could ever not care about you.’’ Kyle confessed. ‘’You’re my best friends and so much more.’’ 

‘’More?’’ Stan asked, as that is something he got very focused on. Kyle blinked a few times, let out a big breath. 

‘’For me, you are.’’ Kyle said. It almost felt natural for Stan to close Kyle in and kiss him. As if they had done before. As if they were lovers. 

Kyle kissed back. Hungry and wanting. He wanted Stan. He wanted love and needed it. And he gave, knowing that Stan needed it way more. Their kiss was slow, just lips moving. But it felt faster, or at least their hearts felt faster. 

When Stan broke their kiss, he needed a few seconds to gain his breath. He didn’t have any energy for this. ‘’Are we okay?’’ He asked. 

‘’More than okay.’’ Kyle answered. Smiling sweetly to himself. They were both tired and tried to stay awake for each others but they soon fell asleep, holding onto each other.   
-

Another jump of weeks and suddenly we are six weeks further. Stan is a bit stable, but as promised by his psych, still depressed. He is in no way done. He’s still fighting every day. And Kyle fights for him, with him. 

The first thing he did was throwing away every bottle of liquor he had. Kyle helped.

He talked to his parents and later on brought them with him to his psych. Kyle helped. 

Stan started to open up and told everything he had never spoken of before. One of these things was his love for Kyle. He loves Kyle, and Kyle loves him.  
There are still some rock bottoms. One of the awkward things of medication is not being able to get a full erection. No matter how hard he tries. No matter how many time Kyle says it doesn’t matter, Stan would always beat himself up over everything. 

Stan also is making new starts. He’s going back to school. He does get overwhelmed sometimes, but then there’s boring, ol’ Craig to talk to outside. 

‘’You looking better, Marsh.’’ Craig commented, holding his cigarettes out for Stan to grab one. Stan denied. 

‘’You don’t look so bad yourself.’’ Stan replied. 

‘’Why, thank you.’’ Stan would almost believe Craig, if his monotone voice wasn’t there. Everything he said sounded sarcastic. 

‘’How are you and Tweek?’’ Stan asked. He was honestly curious. 

Craig waited until all the some was out of him before answering. ‘’Good, good, we’re doing really good.’’ He was quiet for a few seconds before adding, ‘’He doesn’t freak out when I tell him I love him anymore, so that fucking fantastic.’’ It sounded sarcastic, but well meant. 

‘’Good for you guys.’’ Stan said. 

‘’And you?’’ Craig asked. 

‘’Kyle and I are doing pretty good, too, I guess.’’ Stan answered.

‘’No, I meant: How are you?’’ Craig asked, moving his eyebrow up in curiosity. 

Stan was taken aback a little. But decided to answer truthfully. Good ol’ Craig wouldn't tell anyone anyway. ‘’I’m doing something in between of depressed and feeling okay,’’ he said, ‘’But I know I will be fine, eventually.’’ 

Craig let out another puff of smoke. ‘’Of course you will, Marsh.’’ 

The end.


End file.
